Are you there, Iowa?


It has finally happened. Let us tip our hats to one Mr. Terry Branstad, for becoming the governor with the longest time in office; an accumulative 20 years.

This accomplishment mirrors one of American Idol seasons. We don’t want it any more, but we’re just too lazy to try and stop it from continuing.

Branstad took office originally in 1983 until 1999, and then, like the Spy Kids 4 film, came again to haunt Iowa in 2011.

Some question if perhaps Branstad is outdated; as of 2014, he claimed to have neither email nor a smartphone, in response to court questioning after an incident involving a homosexual staff member who was allegedly threatened with a $40,000 salary reduction if he didn’t resign. But don’t worry- he does indeed have a smartphone, he was simply too antiquated to know a Blackberry counts. No controversy here.

Branstad has, like a kindergartener attempting to make paper snowflakes, made multiple cuts in unnecessary places, leaving poor funding for both education and mental health, cutting $55.7 million in education and shutting down two mental health facilities. Also like a kindergartener, Branstad has little regard for future consequences but is still so lovable.  

And Branstad spreads that love back to people-unless you’re a Syrian refugee, in which case, sorry. He was one of 19 governors who claimed they would not allow any refugees to settle in Iowa, and promptly halted all state agencies working on Syrian resettlements, despite legally having no control of Syrian resettlements by the federal government. It’s the thought that counts.

So how did he do it- how did Branstad win Iowa for so many years? In fact, Branstad wins almost all Iowa almost every election, except young liberal Iowa City, where young people actually vote and participate in politics.

Young people, this is an appeal. If we lie passively by, ignoring elections, we allow old white men, who can’t identify a smartphone from a crank dial, to lead our state and make our decisions.